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It has come to my attention since my last bulletin that certain operatives in Moorea, passing by chance a topless beach, got out of hand, so to speak, with some tourists. While there's nothing in the Junta for Unlimited Global Sovereignty's Evil Plan Execution Handbook (revised) against such behavior, keep in mind that it wasn't the act of villainy that was ordered! My Satrap in charge of the operation pointed out that her Horde of Terror minions hadn't known the inside of a titty bar or a woman in two years, and were bound to be distracted by a little pulchritude. After tasering her for neglecting to say "mother may I" when offering a suggestion, I thought it over and realized I was right. My minions deserve a little vacation from their thievery and global chaos-sewing at reasonable (to me) intervals. I directed Human Resources to expropriate a suitable location for Minion R&R, and two weeks later realized that I had no Human Resources staff, unless you count some overworked undertakers. So I directed Ilsa, my Health and (In)Human Services capo, (consult your leadership chart here) to handle the matter. I'm proud to report that CLUB JUGS is already a huge success, according to the mandatory post-furlough interviews conducted by Ilsa and staff. Let's look at the tour video highlights: |
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Well hello there. My name is Connery, Sean Connery, and I'm pleased to offer you the CLUB JUGS tour. I'll be walking you through some of the attractions and giving you tips for getting the most out of your six days and seven nights enjoying the willy-shrinking chill of our Scottish breezes. The pistol? Just a precaution. Nothing ruins a tour like some "Dr. No" complaining all the time, ye 'ken me? |
| CLUB JUGS is ideally situated on an undisclosed crater-shaped island a few degrees north of the Outer Hebrides. Long a Mecca for those interested in collecting unique variations of shale, our exclusive CLUB JUGS island offers hearty English cuisine in the bracing Norwegian Sea climate. Don't worry about bringing expensive and messy sunscreen, between the overcast and the fog there's rarely any direct light. |  |
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We've acquired a handsome estate (complete with vintage plumbing and lighting!) for vacationing personnel through a sudden will alteration by a compromised MP. Be careful of the biowar research domes and triangular ground-to-air missile silo covers. The latter sometimes open unexpectedly to deal with prowling aircraft, and our burn wards are crowded enough. |
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You'll look a treat in the JUGS leisure leather collection. This eye-catching ensemble of loincloth, hip boot, and bandoleer will have the CLUB JUGS lassies lookin' to toss your caber in short order. Designed and supplied by some of the better German SM-wear outfitters, then dyed according to his lairdship's personal color selection, you'll be able to unwind while still being ready to fight a holding action should the Special Boat Service show up again. Enough high fashion! Let's get to the fun you can expect on the CLUB JUGS island. . . |
| At CLUB JUGS arrival, you'll get the standard delousing and prostate checkup. Just relax. You're only thirty petroleum-jelly-filled minutes from your dream vacation. |
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After clearing health, you'll take a bow-legged stroll to the Welcome Center for a meet-n-greet mixer. Don't mind the hairstyles on the CLUB JUGS hostess-lassies. They're merely an effective way to conceal the AV equipment. All staff interactions are monitored for quality assurance and possible distribution over the internet. |
| Speaking of hair, why not visit our full-service salon and treat yourself to a new do? Like the rheostat on our electrical interrogation control console, the gayness meter here goes to "11." |  |
| Your rooms are an eclectic melange of mad scientist's laboratory and torture chamber, so you'll feel right at home before your bags are even unpacked! |  |
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Now that you've met the staff and seen your room, you can get busy enjoying yourself. There's no end to the activities at CLUB JUGS. Our variety will astound you. There's topless volleyball, topless horseback riding, topless biking, topless archery, topless horticulture (shown to the left), topless trap-shooting, topless knitting, topless welding, topless aircraft engine maintenance, and topless fly-fishing. |
| Visit our famous topless beach! Participate in our weekly sand-concentration-camp building contest! Fabulous prizes. But take care not to swim too far out or appear to be signaling the passing medical waste scows. Our Horde of Terror CLUB JUGS Security Staff will punish any attempts to escape most harshly. |
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When wanderlust strikes, you can take a guided tour of the backroads (because that's the only kind of roads we have) and explore to your heart's content. You'll have to use muscle-powered transport, but it saves you boring sessions in the gym. Visit the quaint hoof-and-mouth research facility that originally put this island on the map. With a big red box around it. |
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Have I mentioned the food? We're proud to offer an all-organic farm featuring two kinds of potatoes and cabbage. Our produce is grown nature's way, without any pesticides, noisy machine tools, or earthworm-severing plows. At JUGS, we care enough about the environment to use methods developed in the Soviet Gulag, and once our first five year plan succeeds, it'll be sauerkraut and potato blintzes for everyone! |
| Protein is necessary now and then, at least according to current diet vogues, and our chef doesn't skimp on the entrails. His famous "horse chestnuts" don't fall from any tree, and the spotted dick isn't nearly as bad as it sounds. As you can see, the food here really puts hair on your chest. Only a little of it winds up in the gravy. |
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| The party never stops at CLUB JUGS. Our Fun Direction Commissars are wont to order a hokey pokey at any hour of the day or night, even mealtimes. |  |
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Did I mention the topless horseback riding? |
| Romance is not dead at CLUB JUGS, it's just on Thorazine. Our hostesses have been imported from all over Eastern Europe at great expense to provide you with the legendary sensual delights of Plovdiv and Miskolc. Thanks to modern medicine, these girls are willing to accommodate your every desire not requiring movement or response on her part. |
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What happens at CLUB JUGS stays at CLUB JUGS. Unless his lairdship can make a couple bucks via the distribution of internet porn. |
| Even a Scotsman can only party so much. Our combination hangover-cure and vd treatment is just what the doctor ordered. And you'd better follow orders. JUGS isn't a philanthropic society. |  |
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Looking for that special place for your big day? Why not hold your wedding at CLUB JUGS? No exclusionary right-wing Christian defense-of-marriage moralizing here (but if you look like me in a dress, you'd better tip the officiant generously)! |
| Keep on your toes, as the occasional JUGS middle-management purge happens at the conference center. Our staff will have the bodies cleared away and the bloodstains scrubbed in no time, and you can get back to your relaxing holiday. Or set an example to your coworkers and cut your vacation short! That always impresses his lairdship. |  |
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Well, that about does it for me. I'm going to fill up on potato peelings and whisky and enter the topless ballroom dance competition with this lovely lass. Enjoy your stay at CLUB JUGS, and come back real soon. We'll leave the motion-detecting beach defense sentry guns off for you. Now have fun! That's an order! |
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eeknight- E. E. Knight
- Vampjac Productions
Comments
Even more so as I haven't seen that movie (seen bits and pieces as a couple of shots look familiar, but not all of it).
As for the topless horse back riding....I may or may not have done that.....and it's not as fun as it looks!