| Sorry about the long absence, minions. I've been driven to distraction here at Junta for Unlimited Global Sovereignty (JUGS) secret headquarters by repeated penetrations of slippery agents, and I'm not writing slashfic here. At least not at the moment. Honestly, if I come back from the Dread Overlord's executive washroom one more time to find "I'm in ur base killing ur doods" scrawled on my personalized stationary and a turd in my cat cameo cup, so many heads are going to roll it's going to look like $5 pitcher night at Reno's National Bowling Stadium. Let's talk about outer defenses, shall we? |
| One of the most effective way to deter Nosy Parkers is your basic savage animal infestation. Keeps away tourists, health inspectors, the utility board, and Kim Jong-il's repo men. Only the most determined of enemy agents and the occasional Jehovah's Witness makes it past a good animal menace, but they're so torn and brutalized by the encounter they're often easier to pick up than a Hilton sister. Here's an effective example of an animal menace (Good Job, Station A-Africa! You'll be in the annual report at the next World Domination Conference and Fellowship Yoga Retreat). Notice the numbers, the ferocity, the diverse manner of lethal animal attack. I'm told they even smell like spray-out day at the primate house. Having expended his ammunition on the front ranks, our young De Niroesque trespasser is quickly overwhelmed and eaten, exterior security and body disposal completed in one six-hour digestive cycle. That's JUGS efficiency. |  |
 | Contrast that with Station B Brazil. What were you thinking? Is it the liquor down there? The demands of constant pubic hair upkeep? I'll give you marks for creativity, but all this talk about the long lifespan and low overhead of killer turtles doesn't mean very much when the capital outlay for an entire base ends up on the losses column, hmmmm? If American SEAL teams were made up of geriatrics with poor vision and serious mobility limitations I'd still give them 3-2 on making it past those damn turtles. Spit-spot now, the global control game isn't literally a tortise and hare contest! |
| I like the idea of terror from the skies. In fact, I used to enjoy onanism during the flying monkey scene in Wizard of Oz, which proves any number of things, but show just a little bit of sense, please! Your average hero can still strangle a sentry with fourteen or fifteen flying squirrels clinging to him. I don't care how appealing they are, waving their digitals at you through the bulletproof entrance-bunker periscope glass, animal menaces are supposed to be defense, not entertainment. Anything that is likely to be posted to a cute animals newsgroup is probably not animal menace material, and I don't care what you think can be accomplished by training and equipment. No more trying to teach cats to hang-glide! No more wallaby RPG teams! The prairie dog flamethrower fiasco is something I'm still trying to live down. You try walking into a indirectly lit, Ken Adam-style conference table to find all of your fellow evil overlords peeking at you from just below the table edge making fwooshing noises and asthmatic yeeks. |  |
 | Think vampire bats. Maybe with little biker helmets and swastikas, if you have to use your Warhammer modeling skills, though personally I think they're terrifying enough as God or evolution or some teachable-in-Kansas combination of the two made them. |
| Creepy-crawlies are always good. The more legs the better. They're very low maintenance and they get whatever bimbo the hero has on his arm that week screaming like a civil defense siren. I know they sometimes find their way back into the Horde of Terror Faceless Footsoldier barrack, but just rattle your boot a bit before putting it on. And there's a reason you sleep on simple rope hammocks! Much harder to infest than straw mats and sheets and other luxuries enjoyed by Perverted Henchmen on up. |  |
 | Lastly, I'm glad our recent recreational Civil War outing and re-enactment (chosen by popular poll, I might add. I'm a tyrant, but a tyrant with a soft spot for his minions) was such a hit. But we would have had proportionally fewer casualties than the Union Army at Fredericksburg had you been a bit more careful about who you allowed to participate. ANY woman who volunteers for this kind of SCA stuff should be automatically assumed suspect. I know you were all very excited to have a potential member of Hooker's Legion to talk to and show your authentic hand-stitched tobacco pouch, but couldn't you have at least asked that blonde agent a few trick questions, like "who won Third Manassas" or if she thought the Stukas at Gettysburg made a difference in the outcome? |
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eeknight- E. E. Knight
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